I’ve recently landed in Australia after a beautiful, revealing, connecting time of retreat and travel in Bali. We had an amazing experience together breathing, laughing, crying, eating, swimming, praying and DANCING in a peaceful, remote part of ‘the island of the Gods.’
It’s the first time I’ve been back to Australia in three and a half years, so needless to say I’m due for a visit.
It’s winter here and many of my friends forewarned me about the ‘Nordic’ temperatures, but after experiencing winter in Colorado and Montana in 2014/15, this is nothing.
This is the riverbank a short walk from my Mum’s house – the place I envisage when I think about Perth. The other day, after a lovely coffee date in the Swan Valley, we came here for a pate, cheese and kombucha picnic.
It was so peaceful and I’m so happy my Mum lives in such a lovely spot which is both close to the city and a nature reserve.
Perth is lovely. It’s clean, well-maintained, organised and pretty. It has changed a bit in the last few years with a lot more cafes and restaurants, a newly renovated airport and a fantastic stadium for events where I was lucky enough to attend the Cure concert on my second night in town.
It was an awesome show on every level and I’m so glad Perth finally has a world class venue to host world class acts. Plus, Robert Smith still sounds absolutely INCREDIBLE.
We drove past my old apartment the other day. The one I sold to allow me the freedom to travel. It’s a great place in a lovely inner city area, but driving past it didn’t pull any heart strings (the new funky donut store on the corner kinda did though).
In fact, I had the same feeling I had while I was living there, like maybe it should have made me happier than it did.
There hasn’t been a single moment of regret over selling it, or about any part of my journey, actually, which makes me want to time travel back to my four-and-a-half-years-ago-self and say, “There is really nothing to fear!”
Before we left on this adventure in February 2012, my biggest fears were that I would end up single, broke and homeless.
And some of those fears came true. I’m single and kinda homeless, but while the bank account is definitely lighter than it was, I’m not broke.
I’m staying at my Mum’s house in the same room I spent my late teens and early twenties, but it is a treat to be tucked into bed every night rather than a drag.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m far from immune to my cultural programming about the definition of success and this does trip up my self-esteem every now and again. But that is my work to do; to let go more and more of what ‘they’ supposedly think about my life and ask the more important question:
“What do I think about my life?”
My answer is that I love it.
I wasn’t able to say that before we left four and a half years ago.
I haven’t done or achieved many of the things that I wanted to in the early stages of the journey. I didn’t become a professional writer or publish a book or create passive income online. And I’m glad, because life has taken me in a different direction and I know it’s the right one.
I don’t have a plan or set goals or a grand vision, which I know goes against so much advice about success. But I have discovered a path of success that is working for me because it’s levered me out of addiction, depression and disconnection to a place of inner happiness I never thought I’d experience in this life.
And the greatest gift of that success is that I have served and helped some people along the way.
Today, my only goal is to serve my soul and in turn serve others, by living my dharma, my true path.
Just don’t ask me what the details of that path are, because I don’t know yet, I just know it involves sharing, connecting, dancing and yes, teaching.
I had such a great catch up with the beautiful Karyn of The Lost Lemurian on my last night in Bali and as we were sharing about our respective journeys she refreshingly stated, “I do not know what the fuck I am doing!”
I laughed so hard at the recognition of this because when you make the courageous leap from the head to the heart, it feels very much like not knowing what the fuck you’re doing. And that is one element of this journey that has not changed. What has changed is getting used to that feeling as an almost constant companion.
Coming ‘home’ has amplified it all again for me but I am LOVING seeing my family and friends and am reminded of all the amazing people I am surrounded with wherever I go. While I stumble over the question, “So, what are you doing?” (because, like I said, I don’t really know), I do know I did the right thing by taking the risk to change my life and that the ‘more’ I was looking for actually does exist.
Things are pretty good in Australia and I’m so happy for my friends building wonderful lives here. My soul just needs different things in order to sing. This I know, more than ever, and that is such a gift.
The other gift is being reminded, yet again, that the voice of fear is bullshit, life is short (and so, so precious) and the only Right Way is the way our heart leads us.
I hope you are following yours.