I’ve missed you guys. The last few months I’ve been relatively quiet here, processing the major internal and external shifts in my reality. I’m good. I’m really good. And I don’t say that flippantly with a plastered smile, I say it from my heart. My bleeding, slightly battered, open, hopeful heart.
The heart that is leading me places I never dreamed because I never deemed myself worthy of them; couldn’t even conceive of them being possible.
I’ve experienced a few seismic shifts in my life. Some have been excruciating – rock bottom; early recovery. Some have been terrifying – uprooting my life in Australia; jumping out of a plane; driving across India in an auto-rickshaw.
Some have been revelatory – discovering Kundalini yoga, writing and running my first e-retreat; organizing my first meditation retreat in Bali.
The most recent shift, however – choosing to continue my journey solo, has been one of the most defining, and yet, unlike many of my previous shifts, has not crippled me emotionally.
That is not to say I have not experienced a sense of sadness, loss or grief. I have. Moments of resentment – indeed. But these emotional states have passed through as they are meant to (e-motion: energy in motion) and left me more whole and intact in the process.
I’m surprising myself.
Life is surprising me too. It’s showing me what I’m capable of and what is possible when I trust in it. In fact, in this last month I have never felt so guided by Grace; so keenly aware that I am being taken of.
That I am truly loved.
Life has shown up for me in many ways, but mostly through people. I like to say it takes a village to raise a heart and that has been true for me these past months. Every, single, day I have received gifts from people. Like, people have physically given me stuff. Lots of stuff. Really freaking beautiful stuff. Stuff like scarves and clothing and candles and flowers; crystals and incense and chocolate.
Stuff that I love.
Then there has been the presence, connection and thoughtful conversation. People have been gentle with me. They’ve listened. They’ve let me speak. I have felt seen, heard, encouraged and yes, loved.
And through it all I’ve had the privilege of being able to pass that love on, through my work with other women in recovery, my Divine Dance sessions and heart to heart chats with friends going through their own challenges.
And I’ve channeled it into me, becoming aware of all the areas of my life where I have been short changing myself due to a deep seated (and I mean deeeeeeeeep) unworthiness.
I’m seeing things like I’ve never seen them. Every day, more is revealed. Through my commitment to my (gentle, loving) practice of yoga, meditation, dance and self-reflection, as well as nourishing myself with good food and friends, I am being revealed to myself a little more each day.
I recently turned 35 which is well and truly considered adult age, yet I feel like I am stepping into womanhood for the first time.
I am feeling the power of presence of the Divine Mother calling me into deep healing and expression through Her. I’m experiencing an opening of what has always been here, furled into and unto itself, somewhat dormant.
Waiting for fertile conditions.
I thought I was living and loving before, but there is always more awareness and awakening to step into and I feel like a trapdoor to a Whole New World has been opened for me.
Nothing has been wasted. There are no mistakes and I have no regrets.
Most days I am brought to my knees with gratitude. Not the sort that you check off on a list to feel better, but an inspiring, humbling awe that Life could Love me this much.
That Love is burrowing into my heart, clearing out the debris of unworthiness that I buried there as a child and carried through to all my relationships, particularly my relationship with myself. It’s turning me inside out, shaking me up, removing things and replacing them.
And every time something is replaced it’s better, brighter and fuller.
I’ve also found a home of my own. Finding a decent, reasonably priced apartment during high season in Playa del Carmen has become a laughable pursuit in recent years (yes, I literally had real estate agents laugh at me down the phone), and yet for some reason, I maintained an unshakeable faith, not just in finding a place, but in finding my place.
I looked at a few but none of them felt right and I refused to settle. Despite the pressure to just take anything. Despite the fear of not finding anything else. This is a theme I hope to carry into all areas of my life. Not settling for less than I know I am worthy of.
The words of my first recovery sponsor are ringing in my head, even though at the time she said them I stared back at her through tear-filled eyes of disbelief:
“Sarah, you deserve the best. And you are going to have it.”
This was meant to be a post about my new home. The home I am living in alone, for the first time in my life. The home I have been filling with color, love, food and friends.
The home which has received me with open arms and then proceeded to welcome my friends who stop buy with still more plants.
It’s the home which makes people smile when they say, “You scored such a great place!” or “It’s just so… You!”
But as usual, this post has revealed more of the internal space I now occupy. The foundations are being re-layed and I can feel myself being prepared for Something. I don’t know what, I just know it.
I’m coming home to my original Self; my whole, luminous, beautiful Self. Moment by moment, breath by breath, step by step. I may be living alone, but thanks to this Divine process, I’m far from lonely.