I was scrolling through instagram the other week and saw that my friend, Kim Kardashian was staying just an hour down the road in Punta Mita, along with her husband Kanye West and their baby daughter North.
“Perfect!” I thought as I quickly invited her and her ‘fam’ over for a pool party the following day via a comment on her instagram feed.
I didn’t hear back, but I hadn’t asked for an RSVP so I took her silence as a ‘yes’.
The next morning I was up early preparing for Kimye’s arrival. I busied myself by making snacks and drinks, cleaning the pool, sweeping the terraces and prepping the cats on Kardashian etiquette, i.e get ready to be called ‘kee-yout,’ a lot.
Chica should have been a Kardashian, she’s such a poser…
I even prepared the guest room in case they loved it so much here and decided to stay the night.
I wondered what we would talk about and thought I had better brush up on conversation topics such as spray tans and Botox. I wondered whether I should buy North a floaty for the pool.
I imagined ‘Yeezy’ hanging out with Tyrhone and thought that they would probably get along quite well due to an unspoken connection between the ganstas of the world.
Part of me wished Khloe and Kourtney were coming too because I think we would probably get on much better as a group, as long as they didn’t want to play the vagina sniffing game again.
With everything prepped, I waited for them arrive. I hadn’t set a time on my invitation so I guessed their Mercedes had gotten held up behind a truck on the road leading from the up-market destination of Punta Mita to our lovely little fishing town of La Peñita.
Kim’s Li-lo floated empty in the pool as I questioned whether it would be sturdy enough to sustain her substantial derrier.
It was probably a good thing they didn’t show in the end, as I really couldn’t afford the lawsuit when she fell off it and injured her million dollar body.
I was a little sad I didn’t get to meet North though. She seems like a kid who has her shiz together and I was hoping to get some tips on selfie angles and social media domination.
I comforted myself with the knowledge that they would have come if they could and would have definitely had the time of their lives with us.
At least I didn’t need to research the latest fashion trends or ask those awkward questions about what really happened between Khloe and Lamar and whether Scott is actually sober or if it is only a matter of time before he goes off the deep end again.
Perhaps it was for the best because the last thing I would want to do is invade their privacy. I’ll just continue to watch from the sidelines and always remember with great fondness the day that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West almost came to my pool party.