You’d think I’d be good at them by now. A flight-attendant who zig-zagged the globe for a decade; a drunk who got sober; a writer who decided to start. A traveler who left home to do it forever…
But transitions are always tricky…
I recently experienced a huge inner transition. I’ve tried to explain, express and write about it because it’s been huge for me, this one.
Overwhelmingly positive, life affirming, empowering.
I’ve been filled with more clarity and love. Many of my old ways of thinking and feeling have dissolved, leaving me more open to access the peace within.
I’ve actually worked really hard for it, it didn’t ‘just happen’ but arose from intention, practice, seeking and surrender.
But there’s a part of me which feels a little lonely…
I’ve experienced this before during my previous transitions; when I gave up drinking and the lifestyle associated with it; when I decided to leave my job of a decade and sell my house; when I decided to ‘put it all on red’ and travel the world.
Whenever you change direction, you ‘lose’ the idea of where you thought you were heading, and who you thought you were going there with.
I gave up a lot of people when I gave up the booze and partying, or they gave up on me, I’m not really sure (it doesn’t matter).
But as I went along, I gained so much more. The old friendships which stuck became deeper and more real, because they were based on a new-found honesty and truth.
Many new friendships were made with people I was naturally aligned with, introducing me to so much more meaning and connection than if I’d never left the bar.
Thankfully, my relationship with Tyrhone has always been based on change. I think it’s why we were brought together; to help each other transform.
Sometimes we think back to the two kids who met at a music festival in London eight years ago and are shocked at who we are today. We are almost unrecognizable from them.
As humans we seem to notice and embrace growth in children, but forget that the process never really stops. We are learning and developing and growing and becoming for our whole lives. Our natural evolution doesn’t stop when we reach adulthood. Who we are is always shifting, whether we realise it or not.
We try to cling to who we think we are, always trying to define ourselves, but the mystery of life is undefinable. Our egos can’t grasp the expansion occurring within us, and so we try to convince ourselves it isn’t happening.
Tyrhone has changed just as much as I have, and my love for him- his essence, his spirit which has played such a pivotal role in my own growth – is less conditional than it ever has been.
But still,there’s that feeling…
The things which used to interest and distract me no longer hold the same allure. The things which fulfill me now don’t really require anything from anyone, so I value solitude more than I ever have. It is a big change from someone who was constantly seeking love and validation from the world. Not that I don’t like to interact, I do, I love it, but on a different level than I did before.
“Let it be, let it be,” is the message I hear,
because this feeling has always come to me during my biggest growth phases. It has come each time I have stepped out of who I thought I was and into who I am.
It has come after each monumental moment of clarity, each big break through, each spiritual growth spurt.
So I know it’s okay.
I’m just changing again, and that feeling of loneliness is because I’m once again saying goodbye to a part of me which no longer serves who I am.
Transitions are tricky, for sure. But they are the only way to become the people we were born to be.