Disconnected

One of those days. The last week, two weeks, I’m not sure, has been SO up and down. So much good stuff, and yet, this sneaking disconnection growing inside me.

Do you ever get the feeling you have no idea who you are?

I’ve been oscillating in and out of this feeling, while really trying to be stern with myself and force gratitude and pray, pray, pray and ‘be still’ and ‘take action’ and do all the things I know to do.

But honestly, sometimes I just don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. Four years, five months I have not touched a drop of alcohol or a drug. I barely take freaking Panadol. I even quit smoking over a year ago. I do meetings, have a sponsor, try to serve others, pray, attempt to love myself, exercise, but honestly, sometimes I feel like I’m swimming in this deep well of sadness for no reason that is apparent to me.

I had a nap today and was pissed off that I woke up. No, not in that way. I don’t want to sleep forever, it was just that I felt the heavy crush of my thinking as soon as I came to, and I was like, fuck.

Tomorrow I’ll be bouncing around. Laughing, loving, wanting to share that.

I am aware that I feel happy like I feel sad – a lot. Maybe everything is in balance but I just forget during the sad times.

But today, for a reason that I am not privy to, the only thing that is making me feel anything good, is writing this. And I’m not sure I’ll publish it. It will make my Mum sad. (Don’t be sad, Mum, I’m okay, I just need to express myself to feel better).

Maybe it’s all the years of pretending to someone else. Someone tougher, more in control. I still get emails from old friends saying, I had no idea. You seemed so… together.

So maybe this… this unravelling, is a by-product of all the pretending and covering up. I tried so hard to look normal (whatever that is) for so long, and whilst I’m not sure if this is normal, it’s certainly true.

Sometimes I think, “Am I choosing this? Am I addicted to feeling bad?”

But I think that’s just another way my head tries to make me feel like crap. Like it’s my fault. Like with all the gifts I have in my life, I can’t be happy and that makes me a failure.

One thing I can say is that at least I’m not pretending right now. I can already feel the freedom flowing in, just from that. Not pretending may make those who love me feel uncomfortable, but it makes me feel So. Much. Better.

Maybe that’s it. I get sad, fight it, think it’s wrong to feel like that (no matter how many times I write about how it’s not!) and then disconnect from myself. I always think it’s a disconnection from God, or Source or whatever word I choose to use that day, but maybe it’s not God who I am abandoning, but myself.

Judging myself a failure for being fragile. For wanting more. For having more questions than answers.

Maybe I just needed to write this.

Maybe.

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Comments

Disconnected — 38 Comments

  1. I liked this! Not that you’re going through it, but it’s nice to see that someone else’s life isn’t perfect. So often I read these travel sites and get jealous of the life they lead, and think it’s all frosty beverages on beautiful beaches every day, without thinking of what else they, the author, is going through. What I’ve always liked about your blog is that you show that you’re a real person with all of the things that go with that. And with these times where your mood swings, I wonder if it’s something chemical going on inside you, or something explainable and out of your control?

    In any case, I like following along with your life, and travels, both the good and the bad, so keep up with what you’re doing!

    • Thanks Scott, I appreciate you connecting. I was going to delete this post!!! Then I got an email from someone saying it helped them and now hearing from you makes it worthwhile. More than worthwhile. I feel connected, so thank you. For me, I need to own it, and express it to someone. I realise not everyone’s choice of expression is the internet (!), but I do feel compelled to share on this platform in the hope it will make someone feel a little less alone.

      I think the truth is contagious, just like pretending is, and we have so much of the latter in the world. Thanks again!

  2. Maybe.
    this past week I’ve been feeling out of sorts. Sleepy. sad. strange. Like I “should” have more things figured out than I do.That waiting feeling of when will it align? The uncertainty of everything. And the feeling of I don’t do enough bc there is always 10 more things I want to do/think I could/should/want to be doing… But if you ask friends, they’ll say I have a lot on my plate.

    Thanks for sharing.
    Lauren @Roamingtheworld recently posted..When what you want isn’t what you need. Or is it?My Profile

    • And thanks for connecting beautiful Lauren! Oh the ‘shoulds’! Yesterday I was completely paralyzed by them, so I just went to sleep! It ended up giving me something to write about though :-) Sharing helps. It’s normal with the huge transition you are going through. Letting go of fears and trusting we are where we need to be is only possible when we admit where we are at. Thanks so much for sharing your experience too xxx

  3. You’re not alone. I think everybody has more questions than answers, you’re just more awesome at articulating it and I hope you’re feeling more relieved from doing so.

    If you want to attend meetings in Antigua there is a place there near the town centre. My travel buddy and his mate were going there when we visited last year.
    Jimmy recently posted..The cost of travel in Cambodia.My Profile

    • Oh I found them!! It’s the first thing I do when I arrive in a place. But thank you, that is so sweet. Talk about six degrees of separation. Thank you my friend.

  4. Life is full of up and downs and bumpy roads, Sarah. Maybe what you’re experiencing is clarity. You’re no longer living your life through a fog of addiction, you’re living life in the true and real sense, good, bad, and everything in between. And I agree, the written word can be healing.
    Patti recently posted..If Every Grain Held a Story ~My Profile

    • So true, Patti. Life on life’s terms can be the biggest challenge for us recovering addicts. Wanting happiness all the time and not being able to accept the lows is not really living life fully. For as we all know, it’s always darkest before the dawn (and I love the dawn!!!) xxx

  5. Oh Sarah.. you’re not alone, as usual. Last week I was in a TERRIBLE funk! I called in sick on Monday for a much needed mental health day, and the week was still terrible. I hate my cubicle (my job itself is not terrible.. I just don’t want to be here), i want to be on the road, I’m sick of stressing about money, WHY exactly did the skylight in the bathroom start leaking.. WTF.. does the universe not get the message that I am shouting out every single day????? But then, I slept great on Thursday, came into work on Friday to find my sweet husband had slipped the sweetest card in my lunch sack, and I spent the evening curled up with good beer, fish tacos, a good movie and my 2 pups and hubby and, once again all was right with the world. I suspect I’m not quite as mood-driven as you, but we all have our ups and downs and often for no good reason. Yep, we want to pay stuff off this year, sell it all, and become nomadic.. but my life is not terrible. I’m madly in love w/ my hubby after 25 years, I have great friends and family and , hey.. I have a job.. maybe not the one I want, but at least we’re not out on the streets! I’m glad you published as always.. I think all of we crazies can appreciate the “beauty of our imperfect journey”
    Rhonda recently posted..An African ExperienceMy Profile

    • Thank you SO much for sharing, Rhonda! It is so overwhelming, the stage you are in. Dreams off on a horizon which just doesn’t seem to get any closer, and so many obstacles to climb over first. Like the bloody skylight!!!!! We really do have to feel it, though, don’t we? Rather than brush over it and cut ourselves off from it, just feel it, slip into it and then watch it slip away. I had a similar experience last night. Felt so much better after writing this, then watched House of Cards, Tyrhone made dinner, a good sleep, walked into town today and did the slowest, most luxurious yoga class led by a teacher with THE most soothing voice, and took myself of to breakfast. THE BEST MORNING! And all because I stopped trying to repress my feelings and just acknowledged I felt like crap. Thank again for sharing my dear, I so appreciate it.

      • You just made my day! I felt SO stupid last week, for being on the verge of tears for 3 days out of frustration. See, THIS is why I am glad you published your feelings… so I know I’m not being completely silly :) Glad you, too, got over your funk and had such a fantastic morning!
        Rhonda recently posted..An African ExperienceMy Profile

  6. Sarah, thank you so much for being honest here today. I’ve been struggling with this very feeling today! I thought some of it was because I slept badly last night, but I took a nap and it didn’t go away. I was still cranky and annoyed to be awake with my thoughts. I just feel heavy and really sad, for no particular reason that I can put my finger on. I sat at my morning job (working 2 jobs currently) and didn’t want to move; I was grateful that no customers were coming in and I didn’t necessarily have to. I just sat heavily at the counter and stared outside with my head in my hands… just bone-deep tired and really sad. And I don’t know why. I have so many good things going right now, but the heaviness would barely move this morning.
    It’s a little better now, and better even more after reading this and knowing I’m not alone. Thank you for reminding me to just accept how I’m feeling. That feeling heavy and sad is not “bad”, it just is, just like the happy times. Both come and both are perfectly fine. They are just feelings, both deserving of acceptance and acknowledgment.
    So, so grateful I read this today. Thank you. Sending love to you, my friend.
    Laurie recently posted..My Life is Full – Learning to PrioritizeMy Profile

    • Oh thank YOU sweet Laurie. Just read your post, you are doing so great, living life to the full and doing so much good stuff, but yes, sometimes we just need to slow down and acknowledge where we are at. Thanks so much for connecting sweety!

  7. Oh Sarah, you are so not alone! For months I have felt irritable and disconnected. My normal way of dealing with things was just not working. Sewing has certainly helped (I sound old now!) but still deep in my heart things have not been right. I should be happy especially given I am watching my sis-in-law going through cancer and I am healthy but for some reason enjoying the little things in life is harder than ever. But I just keep moving along and this too shall pass means more to me than anything. Today might be bad, tomorrow might be ok but sooner or later a wonderful day will come along 😀 Sending love and hugs! xx
    Robyn Caddell recently posted..AussieButterfly Designs Etsy StoreMy Profile

    • Hi Robyn! Thanks for connecting honey, I love your sewing creations! Yes, it’s an ongoing challenge to do the things we need to do to feel happy, while being kind to ourselves during the times we are not. Sending much love to you my friend xxx

  8. I get this. I felt awful all day long yesterday. Thinking about life, my future, my relatives, my health, my job, it was just a sad day… Today I’m good. I have no idea what changed during the night (espcially since the night was bad!) but today it’s all fine… I’m not good at doing nothing when I don’t feel good physically, it’s just not good for me… I tend to spiral into darker thoughts… But at least now I know that I have to have faith that there is an end in the tunnel. And the more I believe that, the easier it gets when I feel awful. I’m now able to tell myself that it won’t be like that forever… so it’s all much easier to bear.

    • Hi Isabelle, thanks so much for sharing. Yes, it does pass and I try to hold on to that too, even when the thoughts seem all consuming. I hope some light came streaming in for you!

    • Yes, you’re right. It is. Suppressing it has never worked for me. I need to allow it and accept it before I can move on, and I did, so I’m grateful for that (and you!).

  9. Oh Sarah, me too. You have just brilliantly articulated how I’ve been feeling for a while now. You are not alone, and it’s a relief to me to read your post and others’ comments and know I’m not alone either! I’ve had plenty of good moments lately, but also some sad ones as well (for no good reason or over the littlest things!), and the worst is when I’m feeling shitty and sad about feeling shitty and sad because I do have a lot to be thankful for. I wonder what the fuck is wrong with me, a lot… But then I go to a karate class or treat myself to a nice meal or watch a TV show or write or take a long walk on the beach at sunset (this worked wonders for me yesterday while I was in a crappy mood), and the good comes. The good always comes. Sending love :)
    Sam recently posted..Mexico: The Chiapas jungleMy Profile

    • Thank you dear Sam, yes, the good always comes, you are so right! Just need to sit with the negative sometimes and have faith that it will pass. Lots of love to you my strong, amazing friend!

  10. Life is a rollercoaster, isn’t it, Sarah? Sometimes the best we can do is strap ourselves in and hope we make it through the next loop so that we can find the part in the track where we can throw our hands up and feel excitement and exhilaration again rather than fear and sadness.

    I get it, I really do. Sometimes I wake up and for no reason at all, my body just feels so heavy, I don’t think I’ll be able to get out of bed. I want nothing in those moments than to just keep sinking, deeper and deeper. It makes me wonder the same thing—whether some part of me is just choosing not to be happy. But then I think of all the things I’ve done that disprove that, and I know I want nothing more than to feel good. Just remember—moods are like clouds and they shift within us like they do across the surface of the sky. And if the writing process helps you, so much the better for us, your readers!
    Steph (@ 20 Years Hence) recently posted..Welcome to Laos, South East Asia’s Sleeping BeautyMy Profile

    • Sinking is the perfect way to describe it! I think that’s the thing that worries me – it’s pulling me down and I fear I’ll never get out! I feel like I’m on the edge of the cliff and being drawn into it. But experience tells me I never stay there for long, a day or so at the most, so what am I so afraid of? Much love to you sweet Steph, thank you, as always for connecting xxx

  11. The very posts you think about deleting are those we most need to read to Keep Going. Thank you for making me feel understood and Not Alone.

  12. Another voice chiming in to thank you for this post and being brave enough to be vulnerable and honest. Been living in Mexico for nearly a year, and while I’m so glad to be living the kind of life I wanted for so long, I’m just now realizing the truth of that adage “Everywhere you go, there you are.” Seems my moodiness and sometimes depression followed me all the way from cubicle land, USA to this laidback beach life, ugh. Sorting out how to deal with these low moods away from my support system and English-speaking therapists is a challenge and I’ve been very down the past few weeks. Your post and the lovely comments made me feel less alone and more hopeful. Muchas gracias. :-)

    • Yes! I can relate to that Casey! I have been miserable in some pretty beautiful places, let me tell you! I hope you find someone to reach out to, and if not, I’m always here if you’d like a chat.

  13. great share sarah. i love hearing all of it, the good, the bad, the ugly. It’s just so divinely human! xxxxx

    • Thanks Kaz, yes, it’s all good, I know that in my heart it is all part of the journey I’m so grateful to be on. Lots of love to you! xx

  14. Sometimes I feel like a bouncy ball, jumping up and down between highs and lows (regardless of any outside forces like alcohol or just life drama). Eventually, though, even the ball loses steam and settles down again. I find I have to just ride it out and hope that I learn something from it. But sometimes it’s just life and dealing with ourselves. I feel like my moods are so much more volatile than others’ (especially when I compare myself to Shawn who is Mr. Even-Tempered), but what’s the use of comparing? Other than to make yourself miserable, that is. Ride it out…you are who you are.
    Carmel recently posted..S-21 AND THE KILLING FIELDSMy Profile

    • Yes, I heard this great thing the other day in a meeting about how on a three hour flight, only a few minutes is spent directly on course and the rest of the time is spent correcting and adjusting. That is how I feel. And it seems like that is the case for a lot of us.

  15. Stay strong! Life has so many ups and downs, and some are much longer and higher or deeper than others. You will persevere and survive – I’ve only been reading your blog posts and I’ve never met you personally, but from what I can gather, you’ve fought through this (and possibly worse) before. I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but I’m sure deep down, somewhere, you know you can do it. The trick is doing it! All the best.
    Tim | UrbanDuniya recently posted..Pakistan the beautifulMy Profile

    • I don’t mind at all! The low has since passed, thankfully, and I usually find I am more centered afterwards, so just attempting to let it all wash over me and take each day as it comes. Thanks Tim :-)

  16. I know the feeling of digging up shit in order to clear it. And the more you dig, the more shit you find. And the more you go, “Holy crap. How far does the rabbit hole go? I am MESSED UP”.

    But the rabbit hole can’t be bottomless. At some point you have to come to the end of it, and get to a point where you really are okay.

    It’s my suspicion that most people are this way. It’s just that most people aren’t brave enough to start digging. You are. xx
    Karyn @ Not Done Travelling (formerly plasticsux) recently posted..Bali, All Is Forgiven – Can We Try Again?My Profile

  17. Hi Sarah,
    Yes, I do think you just need to write this. I think the best way to doeal with it sometimes is not overthink it, because we can come out with millions of reasons and we’ll neve know exactly. When I’m in a bad mood I just watch it happen and then watch it go. I hope you’re feeling better right now:)
    Marisol recently posted..Panama: A Visit to an Embera Tribe VillageMy Profile

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