I knew the lesson would come and it did. I knew joy was on its way and it was. But man, oh man, did I have to feel the pain first. Pain has, and probably always will be, my greatest teacher. It has been my biggest transformer and my pathway to growth.
All of the pain in my life has been self-inflicted, which means I am a victim of my own thinking and nothing else.
It’s been a much welcomed lesson to observe the thought patterns which send me into a downward spiral.
Basically it all boils down to fear. It’s always fear! That word, the opposite of faith.
Fear that I won’t achieve the things I want, that I’m not good enough, that I’m not worthy. Fear that I don’t have the capabilities to achieve my dreams and that I won’t be fulfilled because of that.
It sounds crazy when you say it loud, because it is.
It is exactly the sort of thinking that led me to live a life which wasn’t truly mine. A life about achieving and looking good while slowly dying inside.
I’ve learned that even today, I have a tendency to slip back into old thought patterns and ways of seeing myself and the world. I forget that I am enough. I forget that I am worthy, no matter what I achieve. I forget that I am pure love, and that my only purpose in life is to realise that.
I forget because of all the noise in my head, and the noise I allow into my life. I forget because I choose to believe the messages of the world rather than that of my heart.
A few months ago, I was sitting still after a yoga class, and I received a very clear message from my inner self. “This is where you belong,” it said, and a warm sensation of pure love swelled within me. I knew ‘this’ didn’t mean the yoga studio of my local gym, either!
It may sound strange, but I’ve only ever received three messages like this; the first one told me to stop drinking and the second one told me I needed meaning in my life, so I tend to heed them pretty intently now.
I’ve spent my life searching, looking for more. Honestly, I still am. But the truth is, I have everything I need within me. It’s all there, waiting to be allowed.
I need not look for it, only allow it to be.
This, I know, may be the greatest challenge I ever face. Not adding to myself or becoming ‘better’ but allowing exactly who I am to be. Woah, that is kind of a scary thought.
I’m grateful I was able to be transformed by my week of negativity, self-loathing and depression, by accepting it for what it was and not trying to dodge it or avoid it. I am also grateful it passed.
I saw this on facebook the other day. I LOVE it, and have found it to be true.
We are leaving Playa and driving to Guatemala on Wednesday – aah!
I’m excited. But rather than simply seeing things and collecting experiences I’m looking forward to taking this awareness with me on the road and into this next phase of my life. I’ll miss my friends and my life here, there’s no doubt. But I know it’s time. My heart led me here to have all these wonderful experiences with such amazing people which have transformed me, so I trust it will continue to lead me well.
I read a great interview the other day in which the guy said, “Dare to go slow.”
Dare to go slow.
I’m daring. Daring to worry less, fear less and control less. It may mean achieving less, but hopefully that will leave room for the only ‘mores’ that have ever really brought me happiness: time, space, awareness, acceptance, love.
Two international border crossings in our own car should be a pretty good test of my commitment!
Wish me luck, hahahaha!!!!!!
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