I am feeling overwhelmed at the moment. Overwhelmed by wonderful, positive things like flying machines, paragliders in the mail, travel plans and guide book writing; socializing and maintaining friendships, both in person and online.
It’s a common pattern for me to become overwhelmed and fight hell to become un-overwhelmed, working myself into the ground in the process, so I’m thinking that maybe this is a good chance for me to try something different.
I’m putting my (virtual) hand up and saying,
Friends, I know I have a great life which may look from the outside to be all about sipping virgin margaritas on the beach and writing about my feelings, but I’m actually kinda struggling with the responsibilities and personal expectations I put on myself to be available and present and capable, both for myself and the people in my life.
I am trying really hard to return emails and send photos and keep in touch and clean my messy kitchen and go to my meetings and do yoga and stay positive, but at the same time, I am feeling really overwhelmed by some financial, emotional and creative pressure.
I am feeling slightly ‘less than’ for not completing the projects I am working on as fast or as well as I’d like, for not making much money and for not making ‘the most’ of the Caribbean beach I’m living three blocks from for the next three weeks.
I’m not feeling like a great friend, or sister, or aunty or daughter, and I want to be so much more than I am.
I want to be a supportive partner while fulfilling my own desires, and I’m not succeeding at that right now.
I want to do meaningful work, but I also want to make a living and I have no idea how those things go together or if they ever will for me.
I want to help people, but I also want to help myself. I want to be compassionate to the plight of those suffering, but I don’t want to suffer in the process.
I want to take care of myself, but I don’t want to neglect those around me.
I want to be grateful for what I have, even though I want more.
I want to be less self-involved, but to love myself more.
And that friends, is why I am feeling overwhelmed, plus a million other things that are niggling at my psyche.
It feels really good to just name them, and offer a blanket apology for the messages and emails I am attempting to return (and am so grateful for) and the relationships I am attempting to maintain and probably falling short at.
It’s not that I don’t care, I do, probably too much, for every, single, one of you.
In return, I offer each of you my understanding, forgiveness and love for the pressures of your own life, however blessed they may be, and offer you my virtual hand as we negotiate the maze of life together; failing, succeeding, trying, surrendering and attempting to ‘get it right’ while accepting that there is no right way, only our best.
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