Everything and Nothing to say

Okay, I’ll just start. I’ve felt change brewing, internally and externally, with a million ideas forming in my mind every day and not enough hours in the day to bring them to fruition. Some fall away, of course, others are put on a slow burn, and some die. It is the way of ideas and I’m kinda used to it, but it’s left me without the words to write about where I’m at.

Because, quite truthfully, I’m everywhere. I’m writing a guide to Playa del Carmen, well, I’ve pretty much written it, but it needs finishing touches, edits and final details. Details, oh how I despise them. I’m an ideas person, and I dream of the day when I have minions to take care of the details while I draft wild, grand ideas.

Anyway, I’m reliving the past year as I’m writing about my favorite tostada restaurant, or the hotel my friend stayed at or the untouched beach we visited and I’m nostalgic for this past year which has brought me so much while I spent it wondering the whole time what my purpose was.

My purpose, I now think, was to have done all the things I have done, including all the Keeping Up With The Kardashian episodes I have watched, and all the ice-cream I have eaten, and all the moments of stillness and clarity I’ve had and all the confusion and struggle and self-doubt and explosive joy I’ve experienced.

All of it has been perfectly imperfect, which gives me faith that the next leg of the journey will be equally challenging and rewarding and difficult and confusing and explosively joyful too.

So I keep taking the next step, asking for guidance from the creative spirit who bore me into existence with the very real knowledge that I have no idea what’s next. I write, I plan, I come up with ideas, I dream and I stew and I work, in the hope that I’m on the right path, no, wait, knowing that I am on the right path even if the things I think I want don’t happen, because I’ve learned that my ideas for my happiness are not always the best ones.

I am continually reminded of this, and I love the days when my mind is opened to the possibility of something other than what I thought I wanted.

I love it when I am shown the way, rather than hacking through the jungle of life with my blunt machete.

I love it when I hear, “Relax, chill out, what is meant to be will be,” loud and clear.

Like today. I dragged myself to yoga, worked my body and cleared my mind (slightly), air kissed my yogi friends and actually understood the class in Spanish.

I returned home to shower then sat still for a few more minutes, because the yoga is great, but the whole point of doing the physical part, apparently, is to prepare for stillness of mind and body, and I find they cut that part way too short. So, I sat, in the dark, on my special cushion I haggled over in Barmer, a little known Rajasthani town (oh how I do love name-dropping obscure global locations), to be with myself. You know, that inner part that doesn’t have plans or designs or ideas but is pure Nothingness and Everythingness all at once.

It’s dark, this inner place I go, and warm, and loving. I suppose you could call it God, but perhaps not everybody’s God feels like a hug from a plump southern black woman like mine does.

Anyway, I sat in that ‘hug’ from my loving inner self for a while, until the smell of the coffee Tyrhone was brewing smelled better than it.

Oh, I forgot to mention Tyrhone barging in a few times, probably to tell me about something really exciting like the latest season of ‘Community’ he downloaded, then retreating without a word, requiring no explanation from me. I love this. I love that I don’t need to tell him what I am doing on a cushion in the dark in the bathroom. More than you will ever know.

Then, we decided it was ‘treat day’ and I took little to no convincing that it was a good idea to get our favorite almond croissants for breakfast.

And then, despite having so much to do, I found myself writing a story with no intended destination, out of the pure joy of it and I had such a fine time extracting the words from my psyche to convey the memory of this one day last year that has, for some reason, stayed with me.

Somehow, it was then 3 o’clock and I remembered that I had looked at this travel writing contest but that at the time could not for the life of me come up with One. Single. Word. to enable me to enter it, and that maybe, just maybe, what I had just spent the day writing might be a fit. Bugger it if it wasn’t, I’d enter anyway.

Then as it was still treat day we wandered down to our favourite local pizza joint for a ‘La Mexicana para llevar por favor’ and ate it joyfully while watching the beautifully poignant ‘Her’ in a state of complete and utter rapture. I became very inspired by art and quality work, vowing to dedicate myself to those two things, just as soon as we do all the other things that are on the horizon.

Because, while waiting for pizza, we accidentally had a rather important chat about a rather large thing, and we both decided that Tyrhone should take the next step toward pursuing his dream of learning to paramotor which he wrote about the other day. It was an unexpected yet bizarrely natural decision and we came to it via the usual weighing up of pro’s and con’s and universal truths about fear and dreams and the fleeting nature of life.

It was basically the year-long conversation we had leading up to our long-term travel adventure, condensed into 20 minutes or less.

Our near future almost-decided, we enjoyed a beautiful film then wandered the streets of Playa with a spring in our step, joking and laughing and not taking ourselves or anyone else very seriously at all, as though we had discovered the secret that nothing actually is.

It was marvelous.

Then, as I anxiously awaited the Keeping Up With the Kardashians new season to start, chocolate brownie at the ready, I realised it wasn’t starting until next week. So, ‘Suits’ it was, while I wondered if Louis Litt and I would be as great friends as I imagined we would.

And now here I am, after teeth-brushing time, when computers and phones are banned by anti-social (media) Tyrhone, telling you about my magnificently normal day when it felt like all was well in the world, including mine.

Because it is, it always is, and always will be, no matter how much I wonder or hope or worry.

I sat down here because I felt like I had everything and nothing to say, and it turns out I was right.

Good night.

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Comments

Everything and Nothing to say — 33 Comments

  1. Don’t ya just love it when the ideas and the words flow? I’ve been struggling for months with an online project I have; it’s just been out there lounging in cyber space because I haven’t stumbled upon the right process. Somewhere on this epic road trip we were driving along and suddenly, out of nowhere, I had complete clarity and found the solution I had long been searching for… It was so simple and yet so powerful. Why hadn’t I seen it before? Because I wasn’t supposed to, that’s my only answer. I’m so excited because now that the damn has broken and ideas are swirling like crazy, I’m excited to go back to work on my project. Good luck to both of us!
    Patti recently posted..See the USA – 11: Not Feeling It ~My Profile

  2. I love this… I really adore how you weave writing about Playa and writing about your inner journey. Outer journey matching inner journey. It’s just gorgeous.
    I honeymooned in Playa in 2009, with someone I’m now divorced from. Your picture, though, makes me want to go back. I always knew that there was more to Playa than the big resort I stayed at. At the time, I desperately wanted to see the rough edges, the Playa behind the resorts. But I didn’t get the chance. I like to think that this outer experience mirrored my inner experience.
    In any case – enough rambling about myself. I really love reading your blog. As someone with a zest for travel and who also lives a life of recovery from alcohol, your blog is really inspiring to me on several levels. One of my fears with traveling has been maintaining my sobriety, and you’ve been an inspiration on how to do that.
    I’m always excited to see a post from you! This one was no exception. :) Travel, and meditation, and the mundane joy of simple things. Just lovely. Thank you, as always, for sharing, Sarah.
    Laurie recently posted..Dave The Bookstore Guy (AKA the Swinger)My Profile

    • Thank you Laurie! I love your blog too. Just read your last few posts and I love your openness and honesty. I can identify with much of what you write too! I love traveling in recovery, in fact, it has added another dimension to my journey which has made it so much more fulfilling. Meeting people in recovery from Beijing to Chiang Mai has been absolutely awesome.

  3. Sarah… this is seriously one of my favorite blog posts I’ve ever read.
    The way you lay words down is completely inspiring.

    I just want to say thank you. Thank you for sharing and being open.

    Michael

  4. haha.. I loved this on many levels but you really had me laughing with:

    (oh how I do love name-dropping obscure global locations)

    because I do too!!! As exciting as some days in all our lives are when something HUGE happens, I find that the days I most remember are days like you described, where nothing really happens, but you are just enthralled with this magnificent thing called life.
    p.s…. I’m still slightly concerned about your obsession with the Kardashian’s though :)
    Rhonda recently posted..Foto FridayMy Profile

    • Thanks so much Emily, sometimes you just have to let it flow from that true place, regardless of how it is received. Mostly I find people relate more to honesty, and like my favourite writer Arundhati Roy once said, “Saying you don’t like my writing is like saying you don’t like my gall bladder – there’s nothing I can do about it.” :-)

  5. Ah! I just love this post so much. I know exactly what you’re talking about and so much of it I’ve never been able to articulate, so good job. I almost immediately thought of this song by one of our favorite bands (which I swear, their song lyrics been coming up more and more on our travels). I think we posted it on our first 8Tracks mix and I recall the lyrics on so many occasions. I hope you’ll have a listen! http://youtu.be/rVyicv8cb1M
    Carmel recently posted..HOW TO TAKE THE BUS FROM THAILAND TO LAOSMy Profile

    • Hey Steph, yes I was just in a limbo stage of having so many ideas for posts and future posts and other stuff but none of it felt right until I cleared where I was actually at. Very cathartic, I tell ya!!!

  6. I would totally apply to be your details minion! I love the details! Haha… but seriously, wonderful writing as usual! Such fun to read. I totally get the words-flowing-out-right-now feeling; my brain is practically bursting with the words to write out my epic bike ride to Sian Ka’an beach day story, but first, unpacking, laundry, and back to the work cube! Maybe tonight after my shift…
    Sam recently posted..Today I turn 34My Profile

  7. hehe, you make me laugh Sarah. Across the other side of the world I can totally identify with ‘perfectly imperfect’ experiences and am starting to relish the idea of not having any clue of what lies ahead. Thanks for sharing and bringing a smile to my face. Lots of love xoxox

    • I’m so glad Jyots, yes, your upcoming adventure into Motherhood is certainly going to be full of beautiful, imperfect experiences, and I’m sending you all my love my beautiful friend xoxoxoxo

  8. Sarah … Just discovered your blog … Love it .. Your writing is superb … Playa del Carmen is now on my very very long list of places to see

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