I had my last drink of alcohol on the 27th October, 2009. I was miserable, confused and afraid that my life was about to come crashing down around me. Shortly after, it did, and it was the most horrible time of my life to date.
I’m so grateful for the moment of clarity I got which shone through the fog of guilt, shame and denial. That moment, in my apartment in Perth, alone, sober for three weeks and stark raving mad. That moment when a voice inside told me I needed to do something about my drinking, even though I wasn’t drinking at the time.
I had ‘quit’ but the trouble was I needed to drink, or at least know that a drink was waiting for me on the horizon. Without it I was left flailing, fearful and confused.
Four years later, and the truth is, I am still flailing, fearful and confused, just to a slightly lesser extent, depending on what day you ask me.
Sometimes, I even feel normal! Oh the relief on those days when I feel like a connected human being on planet earth!
Sometimes I am filled with so much joy I feel I could burst.
Like the last two weeks showing my Mum around Mexico.
And yesterday, arriving at our beautiful apartment in Oaxaca city.
And sometimes, such sadness, fear and anger, I wonder if I have actually recovered much at all.
Like this morning. On my recovery ‘birthday’ where I sobbed in the shower for five minutes straight and just couldn’t get a handle on the day or reign in my emotions which fired in every which direction like the firecrackers which are currently exploding like gunshots around our neighbourhood.
Sometimes the best I have is a sober day, without peace or serenity or clarity or even happiness. My true growth has come from accepting that, with the knowledge that the happiness and joy will arrive soon, because it always does.
And when it does, I revel in it!
I think I’m just a little tired today, and that all the emotions which are tied up in this day are overwhelming me, especially the fact that I am not bouncing around with energy and joy like I have been the last few weeks.
You know, driving 2,000 KM across Mexico sounds so easy until you do it!
But like all adventures, it has been full of weird and wonderful experiences I am so grateful for. The fact that I get to experience them with my Mum is even better.
Like breaking into our house today after we locked the keys to the gate inside!
Today, we went to the market in the center of town and bought bread, cheese, meat and sweet pastries.
On the way home, I picked up a huge pumpkin to make soup, and later, I will make real hot chocolate with blocks of cocoa, sugar and cinnamon.
Today IS a good day. Thanks for helping me remember.