(almost) Four Years

I recently decided that on October 28th, 2013, I would publish a post entitled, ‘Four Years.’ It wouldn’t be about four years of travel, or a relationship, but four years since I last had a drink of alcohol and became a recovering alcoholic rather than an active one. And whilst I think  ‘Four Years’ sounds way more impressive than ‘Three years, nine months and four Days,’ waiting for the ‘right time’ to share about my journey as a recovering alcoholic is kinda laughable, because it’s exactly the sort of thinking that qualifies me to be a recovering anything in the first place.

God knows, I’ve spent long enough being ashamed; I don’t want to waste another second being concerned about being me.

But I’ve recently been feeling uneasy about my writing and what I actually want to accomplish with it. It’s the feeling I get when I know a change is coming. I’ve resisted it and wrestled with it, this feeling of wanting to write more truthfully and honestly which scares the hell out of me because of things I have wanted to share here, but haven’t, in fear of being judged, rejected or far worse… ignored.

You see, being ignored was one of the most awful feelings I ever experienced as a child. I remember being in grade three and feeling like my pretty blonde teacher saw right through me. I even wrote her a letter telling her as much (can you believe that?!) and received an apology from her that because I was quiet, well behaved and bright, she didn’t think I needed much of her attention. Being overlooked for being well-behaved and bright was a sign to me that I was boring, and boring kids just don’t get love and attention from their pretty blonde teacher.

I was subject to some bizarre interpretations as a child.


But the truth was that from a very young age, despite being absolutely loved and adored by a wonderful Mother (let’s just get that straight!), for some reason I developed the idea that it wasn’t okay to be me. Being quiet, scared, sensitive and bright Sarah was not enough to gain the love I thought I needed from this big, scary world.

Ever resourceful, I tried out a few methods of love gathering, and learned that, funnily enough, having attitude, back-chatting my teachers and dis-respecting authority got me noticed, which was just as good as being loved, and far better than being over-looked for being well-behaved and bright.

I also used my talents and skills to gather love, entering my first dance competition at ten years old, which I won. I actually really loved to dance, but after that first competition, when everyone told me I was going to win before I actually did, it became more about getting love than doing what I loved, as it became very clear to me that everybody loves a winner.

I went on to have more wins after that, but when the seconds and thirds, fourths and fifths started to roll in, it all just felt like failure to me.

By that stage, I only loved myself if I was a winner because I emulated the love other people had for me. It was the only way I knew how. If you liked me, I liked me, that sort of thing.

It’s funny now as I look back and try to explain this, because while I know some people will not get this, and I hope, for your sake, that you don’t, I also know that some of you will. And it is for you that I write this, because when I read something that makes me want to stand up and scream “Yes! I get that!” then I feel a little more alive and a little less scared and a LOT less ashamed. And since it is my sincere desire to rid myself of the shame I seem to have been born with (or at least gathered up pretty quickly after I left the womb), the very shame that led me to the reason for considering a post entitled ‘Four Years’ in the first place, then I’d like it if you felt a little less ashamed too.

Or a lot.

But a little is also good.

Anyhoo, it wasn’t long before I found the ultimate remedy for my scared, sensitive, love-less little self, in the form of a slab of beer on a hot summer’s day. I was about 15, it was the school holidays and we decided to have a party at my friend’s place in the middle of the day while her parents were at work. We started at about 12, and by four o-clock I was lying in a pool of my own vomit, which was really just beer, because I had found no need for food that day.

It was wonderful, and I immediately resolved to seek out more experiences such as this.

Okay, so here is where you may go, “Okay, I was following, but WTF?!”

And while I hope you are one of those people, and that you and sanity have a chance at a life together, sanity and I have had a rather tumultuous relationship. You see, whilst most people would never want to find themselves in a pool of their own vomit, or if they did, probably figure out how to avoid that situation happening again, other people were not me.

Because, aside from the vomit part, which I did manage to get a handle on later on (practice, my friends!), alcohol was the answer to all my problems. It was the answer to the problem of being me, which was that I was scared all the time, was so sensitive I felt like a layer of skin was missing, was so easily hurt by the world and the harmless taunts of the boys at school, and above all, knew that it was not normal to be that way as it certainly hadn’t won me any friends so far.

So seek out more of the same I did.

Over the coming years, my experiences led me to dingy bars and classy restaurants, strobe lit clubs and university parties, micro-breweries and macro-wineries, the beer halls of Germany and the Champagne houses of, well, Champagne (it’s a place!) and even to a first-class seat of a 747, where I sipped Dom Perignon and gazed out over the grey rooftops of London thinking I’d really made it. Eventually, however, it led me to the most confusing, degrading, soul-destroying moments of my life, which felt like it was on track to be very short and very miserable.

It was then that I made what seemed at the time to be a very small decision, to ‘do something about my drinking,’ which turned out to be the most important one I ever made.

After three years, nine months and four days of not drinking, I have learned a lot but mostly this: Alcohol was not my problem, it was my solution.

It rounded my pointy edges, making this square peg fit better in what I perceived to be a round world.

It filled the ‘gap’ of discomfort that existed between me and every other person and thing in my life. It made everything cozy, and snug, and it made me feel normal. All I ever wanted to be was normal, accepted, loved.

Drinking changed my perception of myself; quieted the noise in my head, and drowned out the voice of fear and anxiety. It made me feel like everyone else looked on the outside. But the thing about getting drunk is, eventually, you have to be sober again and therein lied the problem with the whole damn thing.

Gradually, as the years of pretending and hiding and developing an entirely new personality went on, I became completely detached from my true nature. In those quiet moments with myself, usually the morning after the night before, where shame and guilt and soul-sickening sadness ravaged through me, I realized I’d forgotten who I was. So I looked to others to try and see what they saw in order to gather clues about what it even meant to be me.

Then I’d have a drink, and remember.

Oh that’s right, I’m witty, intelligent, not-too-hard on the eyes, and my, oh, my, I am goddamn hilarious!!!!!

At the very end, after hurting too many people, especially Tyrhone, but most of all myself, looking in the mirror had become the most terrifying experience of all.

I had no idea where I had gone, who I was in the first place, and how the hell I was ever going find me again.

It hasn’t been easy giving up my solution. I’ve had to put my everything and then some into working on a solution for this disease which will otherwise destroy me. It sounds dramatic, but it’s my truth. I came pretty close to the edge, and I can tell you it isn’t pretty. As I have slowly, very slowly, begun to negotiate my life as a sober woman, with a LOT of help, guidance and support from other people who are doing the same thing, I have been able to reclaim pieces of myself I thought were lost forever, and found new pieces I never even knew existed.

I am sensitive and fearful, yes, but I am also strong, and loving, and generous.

Today I also have faith, in a power greater than myself who answered the prayers of my soul before I was conscious of them, and who continues to teach me that the love I thought I was lacking, was really inside me all along.

I’ve had to re-learn some things, and learn entirely new things, like how to hold a conversation at a social gathering without a glass of wine in my hand. Oh boy, that was a tough one. It’s funny, but I’m actually not as social as I thought I was. I kinda love staying in on a Friday night and watching a movie, because people talk a LOT of shit at parties, have you noticed?

I’ve also learned how to travel sober, something I never imagined was possible for me, and today my life is bigger and brighter and more meaningful than I ever imagined it would be.

Some days I am still the scared, feeling un-loved girl I always was, but I am learning, slowly, very slowly, something about love that is so beautifully summed up by this quote from my hero of the hour, Glennon Doyle Melton:

“Love is not something for which to search or wait or hope or dream. It’s simply something to do.”

Writing this blog is one of the ways I’m doing love today. I’m honoring the gift of self-expression through the written word which I have been so freely given. I want this to be my life’s work, as well as staying sober. As a writer who tells stories about my life, I want to honour all of my life, not just the shiny bits, but the messy, painful bits too.

Because they are precious to me.

And because hearing other people’s stories of overcoming struggle has healed me more than I ever thought possible. I hope sharing my own will help me to continue to, and maybe even heal a tiny piece of you too.

Sarah Somewhere

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(almost) Four Years — 104 Comments

  1. Hey gorgeous .. Big well done for expressing with such honesty :) .. And biggest of hugs to you .. Onwards and upwards I say … Love love love to you xxx

  2. Sarah, I have goosebumps. Power to you for opening up and sharing a deeper side to what you have gone through.

    I get the feelings of “not feeling good enough,” I still battle it and often notice self-sabotage when it comes to my writing and bigger goals. Instead of telling myself, I can, I’m worth it, Why not? I think, what’s the point… silly silly silly.

    Good for you for staying strong and seeking help when needed.
    You’re amazing. Keep up the writing!
    Lauren @ roamingtheworld recently posted..Reflections on coming homeMy Profile

    • Thank you Lauren, I know it’s not just alcoholics who battle with this stuff, which is why I decided to share my story. Because we could all do with a bit more self-acceptance and self-belief, don’t you think? Lots of love to you, you are a great writer and I love following your journey too :)

  3. Lovely, lovely, lovely. You are a very wonderful you and I am so glad you are sharing your story with the world. I’m sure that there are many people out there that will benefit. This was a brave and beautiful story of truth.
    Kim recently posted..Dear life 8My Profile

  4. Such a beautiful and brave post, Sarah! I admire you for being so honest in your writing and for throwing away the crutch that alcohol once was for you, there’s not that many people with the strength to do that. I’ve certainly struggled with my own self-acceptance and self-belief issues at times, as I believe many people have; your writing here is so inspiring. Thank you for sharing it!
    Charlie recently posted..My Bilingual SummerMy Profile

    • Hi Charlie, yes, while my drug of choice may have once been alcohol, at times I still ‘pick up’ self-pity, negativity or shame, so it’s really those things which are at the root of it all. Hopefully we can learn to let go of those negative thought patterns that hold us back from being our true selves!! Thanks for reading :)

  5. Just WOW…I read this with tears in my eyes and goosebumps all over my body. The incredible strength you have shown and the amazing journey you have taken is truly inspiring. I really have no words to express how brilliant I think you and your writing are. xxx

    • Thank you Tammy, I told myself that no matter what the response, as long as I was sharing my truth, in the spirit of helping someone else, that would be enough. But yes, it’s really nice to be supported by such a great community that values being real over being perfect!!

    • Thanks Caroline, when the awareness comes it gets a bit easier to let that stuff go, even though progress may feel slow going at times. Thanks for reading and I wish you all the best on your journey!

  6. Thank you for sharing this.

    I saw this quote last night in a mindful meditation book I’m reading right now and it just popped right up in my mind after reading your story.

    “We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit.”
    ― E.E. Cummings

    And honestly, isn’t the best person to reveal this to us ourselves?

    I’m glad you shared this and set the “secret” free. One less thing to carry on your shoulders alone. Love you!!!
    Carmel recently posted..SAYING GOODBYE TOO SOONMy Profile

    • That’s beautiful, Carmel, thank you. The word that stands out to me in it is ‘risk’. We take the risk to be ourselves, which is scarey, but the only path to true human connection, and to the universe. Love you too!!

  7. Beautiful and honest Sar. I’m really starting to see how many people battle to just simply love themselves. Sharing these meaningful experiences like you do can change people’s lives. Loads of love x

    • Thank you Eggy, I wish I had read something like this a few years ago, which is why I decided to write about it. Love you, thanks for reading, it really means so much to me xoxox

  8. What a post Sarah! I personally like to read something that I know it’s honestly put together. Knowing that the person who is writing isn’t trying to make up a story but is truly telling hers/his is very important to me!

    Congratulations on your almost 4 years, you did very well indeed, and please don’t be scared anymore of sharing your thoughts :)
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    • Thanks Franca, me too. I want to write the sort of stuff I love to read, and I also appreciate honesty and vulnerability. Thanks so much for reading and for stopping by to say hi! :)

  9. Sarah,
    I applaud you for your courage and honesty. And I absolutely get the amount of courage it takes to write truthfully. And congratulations on your four years of sobriety. And thankfully, some words on healing.

    When I was diagnosed with my current condition, I thought long and hard about whether I wanted to expose what I considered to be a dark place for me. While it wasn’t so much about shame, it was definitely about vulnerability. But the truth is, as writers we can’t tip toe around our issues or hide from exposing our underbellies.

    Your blog has continuously inspired me and taken me places that I would love to go. Thank you for your courageous heart and delightful writing. You got me thinking, now, about how to find ways to travel even though my mobility is currently impaired. Life has turned the dial to a new normal. Your blog continues to help me point the compass in a new direction.

    This is a long-winded way to say, you rock, lady!. Keep up the great work.


    • Oh Sala, thank you so much for your kindness. I have always been inspired by your words also and find them very comforting. You also rock, my friend!! Despite my struggles, the truth is that I have been very blessed in life, and have not encountered half as many challenges as some. The true test of a person’s strength is not only how they handle the good times, but the bad, and you continue to show grace and courage in the face of difficulty. You shine light into the world, even from your ‘dark place’. I honour you and your journey and am very humbled by your words of encouragement and support. Sending lots of love and prayers your way xx

  10. Beautiful Sarah, I had to read this a few times before I wanted to comment and I still don’t know what to say. But I will say this…….I think that you are truly an inspiration and have shown incredible strength and honesty through your writing..I have told you before that I think that you are an extremely talented writer. You have proved this by sharing your story and revealing a part of you were and who you now are.. We all have our insecurities and doubts about ourselves but it is how we deal with them that makes us the people that we are.. I admire and respect you for the person you are. And I also think that you are “witty, intelligent, easy on the eyes and hilarious”. And that’s from my observation when neither of us was drinking!! Travel safe. The girls send all their love too xxxxx

    • Thank you Lisa that is so sweet of you to say, thank you so much for all your beautiful words of encouragement and support; Max is a lucky boy to have a Mum like you and I’m sending you all lots of love! xoxo

    • Hey Ashlie, I love that talk! When our motives are right and we share of ourselves, we find that connection with other humans, which these days, is what life is all about for me. I have learnt so much from the honesty of others and this is my way of sharing that, so thanks so much for reading :)

  11. One of the most searingly honest posts i’ve read in a long time, beautifully written and left me feeling hopeful. I recently found this blog, and love it…cannot get enough. Thank you.

  12. Great work Sarah xxxxxx so honest I am very proud of you!!

    I have always and still do feel a little responsible…..I am sure Rebecca and I were not the best role models in responsible drinking when you were growing up a few years behind us.

    I love you alot my little sister I never had! Take care Sue xxxxx

    • Yes Sue it’s all your fault!! Not at all honey, I was this way from the beginning, so you can rest assured you booze hags are not to blame, no-one is! Not even me! And Im so grateful to be a recovering alcoholic, Ive had the most amazing experiences! Love you xoxo

  13. what more could I possibly say that hasn’t already been said by other comments here? just that all anyone really wants is to be loved and accepted and yes, NOT IGNORED!! gosh, I thought **I** was the only one that hated that 😀 yes, I relate to much of what you wrote too. good for you for writing about it. I know why I felt unloved: my father. I am working through it even as I write and an experience with my previous job really rocked my world to the point that I still have panic attacks even though I have a new job. Logically it makes no sense whatsoever. Emotionally? Quite a different story! oh anyway, sorry to go on and on. Just know that there are plenty of people “out there” who lack faith in themselves, who don’t feel loved, who don’t feel good enough. You have helped me to know that I am not alone either. Thank you for being brave enough to write about it. and congrats on almost 4 years of sobriety. that is awesome!!
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    • Hey Toby, thanks for sharing too :) My father was also an alcoholic so that probably had a bit to do with my stuff too. Or maybe a lot, I dont know! I made my peace with him at his funeral and felt nothing but compassion for him. I dont know what your situation is but I wish you all the best in your healing. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, Ive had heaps and could quite simply not have made the progress I have on my own. Your emotions are valid, and I hope they lead you to a new stage of growth, lots of love xoxoxo

      • my father died when I was 11. yes, eons ago (I’m 53) He was not very loving. Indeed, far from it. Therein lies my issue. I’ve got me a life coach who is helping me. thing is…I have very good days where I’m high as a kite, on top of the world like when I solved a HUGE issue at my new job(I’ve solved many things actually). and a week later I’m panicking again….hopefully this panic crap will end soon. it is all in my mind and I’ve been trying to train my mind to just stop it already damnit! but this doesn’t happen overnight. I’m getting there though. I just need to stay high as a kite and stop listening to those stupid voices in my head (that probably most of us have). good on you for making peace. my life coach says I need to do that too, 42 years after his death? hmmmmmm. guess we’ll see! thank you for your kind words. love back at ya!!
        tobyo recently posted..Weekly Photo Challenge – ForeshadowMy Profile

  14. Beautiful post Jane and congratulations on almost four years.

    Nobody likes a perfect person and there’s no such thing IMO. It’s the things that you’re not perfect and your(s and Ty’s) honesty that I felt was why we hit it off so well…and you’re still ok on the eye too 😛
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  15. I use to look up to you when we were kids and I still look upto you today.
    I am so lucky to be able call you one of my closest friends.
    I am your biggest fan xxx

    • Thank you darling, but come on, you were definitely the cool one growing up, I mean those glasses?! Love you so much honey, this experience has definitely taught me the value of real friendship, and ours is that xxx

  16. Brilliant post muffin. You are truly inspiring! Love love love you. I still think you are hilarious!

    • Well yes, I am still rather funny, especially when encouraged by the likes of you. Love you so much honey, thank you for your friendship which I value so much!! xoxox

  17. Sarah, this was such a beautiful, brave post, and you should be so proud of yourself for writing it and sharing it with us. While I haven’t struggled with the particular affliction you mention here, your writing really made me feel like I was walking right beside you, and many parts of your journey resonated deeply with me, particularly how horrible it is to be awash in shame and carry it with you. To feel like you are lacking, like you are undeserving of happiness or kindness, to feel like everything you do is wrong.

    Whether you’ve beat back this disease for 4 full years, or 3years 9 months & 4 days (and counting!) what you have accomplished is really remarkable and proves how strong & determined you are. I think the hardest part was not in giving up the alcohol, but in making your peace with all that you have done in all that you are. It is never to take a long hard look at ourselves, but if you can do so and still find the courage to love and accept yourself, then you’re miles ahead of most of us.

    I am continually amazed by your courage and generosity as a writer, Sarah. Reading your posts always makes me work a little harder on my own, and reading about all the hard work you’ve done on yourself also makes me want to do better on my own journey too!
    Steph (@ 20 Years Hence) recently posted..Chewing the Fat with Sarah Somewhere!My Profile

    • Aw thanks Steph, your feedback, encouragement and advice has been a big part of my journey too, so the feeling is mutual honey! I want to thank you for always taking the time to support my writing and make me feel like it is being heard and making a difference, which is all I’ve ever dreamed of.

  18. Beautifully written and congratulations sissy, was wondering when you would write about this experience and very proud of you. Love you xxxx

    • Why thank you so much for such a compliment, Helen, that means the world to me. And you know what? I might just try being proud of myself since you suggested it – thank you!!! :)

  19. You are a beautiful soul, Sarah.

    Yours was a story that needed to be shared, I’m so glad you did. And it feels good to, doesn’t it?
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    • Thank you Dalene, so are you. Yes, I feel a little more me if that makes sense, and even if I am able to help one person, which seems at least to be the case, then I am fulfilling my purpose and that gives me a deep sense of satisfaction. Thank you for reading!!

  20. Absolutely beautiful, I’m so glad you had the courage to share your story with everyone. I can definitely relate to being fearful and feeling insecure and like other people don’t like me. It results in a lot of low self esteem, vicious cycle sort of stuff. Luckily I’ve never slid deep into an addiction, but I can certainly see how it can happen. Congrats on almost 4 years!
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    • Thanks so much Ali, glad you didn’t choose a ‘short cut’ solution, it really doesn’t work! It’s certainly a process to let go of this stuff; a beautiful one if we manage to love and accept ourselves for who we truly are. The gifts of recovering from anything can lead us to a life we never would have had without the struggle, so I’m truly grateful for mine. Thanks for sharing yours and I wish you all the very best :)

  21. WOW, Sarah I had no idea! This is such an awesome post – love your honesty and I think a lot of people will be able to relate to that feeling of not being good enough and feeling ignored.

    I’m sorry that alcohol is what you turned to but it’s amazing to hear that you’ve completely turned your life around for the better. Well done Sarah :-)
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    • Thanks Beverly!! The day after I published this I walked into my yoga class and my teacher looked at me shocked and said, “I had no idea!!” and I said jokingly, “Why would you? It’s not like I walk around with a sign on my head that says ‘recovering alcoholic’!” The beauty of the written word is that I am able to express my truth, which I am not always great at in person. Being in a good place in my recovery now, I feel comfortable to share my story and help someone else. Thank you so much for reading and commenting!!

  22. Oh Sarah, I’m not a cry baby but you have a knack for making me cry. Your honesty, openness and your gift of self-expression touched me deeply. Oh how I would have wanted to hug that Sarah in Grade 3 and that Sarah lying in pool of her own vomit. How I would have wanted to tell her that everything would be okay but I’m happy that she eventually figured that out on her own. I’m so very happy and proud of you Sarah. I understand that this is not an easy hurdle to get through but you get yourself on the right track.
    I love this line of yours: “Today I also have faith, in a power greater than myself who answered the prayers of my soul before I was conscious of them, and who continues to teach me that the love I thought I was lacking, was really inside me all along.” Thank you for baring your beautiful soul.

    • Well there are some tears flowing this end too Marisol!!! Thank you so much for your kindness, I am truly honoured to know you, even though we have never met in person. YOU are a beautiful soul, thank you for sharing it with me xoxoxo

  23. I’m late to reading this but wow Sarah! I can’t imagine the fear and resulting bravery it must have taken to post about something so personal. Most of what I felt reading this has been covered mentioned by everyone else but I will say that as a long term reader I’m incredibly proud of you for sharing this. Congratulations on your nearly 4 years lady :-)
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  25. Amazing Sarah, absolutely beautiful honesty of your story. I relate so so so much. I’m inspired to take this journey another day, some days I need lots of inspiration! These past few weeks I needed tons! Thank you x

  26. Wow Sarah. What a wonderful life affirming post. Someone’s already mentioned Brene Brown and as I read your post I realised that this is what it means to let yourself be seen. Thank you for sharing your story with us and congratulations on your 4 years xxx
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  28. This is truly inspirational Sarah and unbelievably brave.
    Most people never bother to become people of substance and fewer still endevour to grow.
    Best wishes and best of luck in the great beyond


  29. Thank you Sarah. I am your story. And at 4 years, 4 months, and 16 days I too have been feeling the pull to find my place in encouraging and supporting others on their journey to long-term recovery. I honestly believe that more people can be helped by ‘normalizing’ recovery and coming out from under the shame and secrecy that was so much a part of the addictive cycle. Thank you for putting a face and a voice to the healing and re-discovery of self that is possible. ~L

  30. Sarah, Thank you for sharing your story. You are an inspiration and I have watched you grow. I remember when you were setting off on this adventure, then we caught up in Bali not too long after you set out…… look at you now. So proud to watch you grow into the women you are meant to be and achieve your dreams. Your smiling face say’s it all. All we have is today and if we let fear stand in the way we never grow. You are proof that, facing those demons and having faith you get a life beyond your wildest dreams. You are living LIFE. Looking forward to more stories and more adventures. Much Love ainslie xx

    • Ainslee, thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement, I am so happy to have shared some of my journey with you and I hope we can meet up again in Bali or somewhere else! Much love my friend xxx

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  32. Why haven’t I seen this before, what is wrong with me? The honesty, the beauty, the hurt and the love — it all spills forth into the tears in my eyes. Brave is an oft used word but to have the bravery to see that patch of sun and grab it leaves me hushed. I remember the last university I taught at where two separate, but parallel men taught along with me — both with permanent red faces, with the penchant to howl at the moon too many times, I knew these two were marked men, the kind who found a physical place (China) to drink themselves to death. I am grateful that is not you. I am grateful you know your value, your worth and that love is you – always was. XOXO
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    • Thank you so much Jeannie. Many, many more people need recovery than want it. I feel truly blessed for the gift I’ve been given. I’ll re-read your words whenever I doubt it xxx

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  35. Hi Sarah- I have been reading your blog for awhile now. I relate to many of your posts- especially this one because I am currently struggling with a drinking problem. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings and congratulations on your sobriety!
    Jay recently posted..A First Time Writer’s DreamMy Profile

    • Hi Jay! Thanks so much for reaching out. I am here for you if you would like to chat over email (sj_chambo@hotmail.com) or skype, and if not that is okay too, just know that you don’t have to struggle alone. Much love to you my friend and thank you so much for reading xxx

  36. Sarah, thank you for sharing this part of you, this “messy, painful bit” or your life — I get it!! You so eloquently describe feelings I´ve experienced but never been able to express with words. Thank you for your honesty and for reaching out!