Dealing with the C word

I’m talking about Change, people! Big, fat change, and the rollercoaster of emotion that has me strapped into its rickety carriage, hurtling towards destination Great Big Unknown, via a series of  oh-my-god-this-is-awesome highs, and some I-think-my-guts-is-in-my-mouth lows.

I’m just as scared of change as you.  No, not you, professional traveller cum blogger-extraordinare cum citizen-of-the-world-slash-digital-nomad. You! Yes, you, who has inadvertently stumbled upon this blog after a bungled google search, whilst attempting to alleviate work place boredom.

You, who is stuck at work, pretending to care about Key Performance Indicators, or smiling between clenched teeth at the customer who is always right.

I’m scared of change too!

What’s that? I’m leaving my job of ten years, selling my home and setting off on an indefinite travel adventure, to destinations I haven’t even decided on, for an indefinite period of time somewhere between one year and the rest of my natural life?

So that means I’m one of those people who thrive on risk and change, you say?

WRONG.

There’s nothing special about me, no bravery chip implanted under my skin by aliens. I have no secret book of answers to life’s big questions, whilst you people wallow in an unenlightened stupor.

I’m just like you, with all the same fears, hopes, dreams, insecurities and anxieties, if not more.

I have no crystal ball showing me how bright my future of unencumbered travelling bliss will be.

The truth is, it could be a total disaster. Any number of unfortunate events could come to pass.

I could even hate it!

But I’m choosing to have faith that I’m going to be okay, and that despite the tiny (and sometimes booming) voice in my head (what, you don’t have one?) that says, “you are making a huge mistake,” I’m doing it anyway.

A favorite quote of mine at the moment is, and I’ll probably misquote:

“Do not go where the path may lead, find your own path and leave a trail.”

I think it’s by Emerson.

I’ve never been a trail blazer, always a follower. So much so, that at 30, I don’t really know who I am or what I’m capable of.

I wanna find out.

I want to spend time with myself. I want to read what I want, eat when I want, and sleep whenever takes my fancy. I want to stroll, aimlessly and keep to no schedule except that of my instincts.

I want to be led to serendipitous experiences. I want to let go, and let the universe, or god or whatever it is that I feel watching a sunrise, surprise me with whatever gifts it sees fit to give me.

Most of all, I want time, to experience life on it’s terms rather than trying to run the show myself, between work, appointments and social commitments that are expected from me.

Not necessarily forever, but at least for a while. I want to be kind to myself and not put myself under pressure to achieve certain goals. I want to let go of all expectation of myself, my relationships with others, and even of the journey itself.

Not much to ask hey?

Experiencing these things, however, requires a great deal of change on my part. Apart from the obvious external changes (job, house, car, country) there has been internal change of epic proportions.

My ideas of security, both financial and emotional have been turned on their heads.

What is security anyway?

For me, it used to be about ‘owning’ my own home, and earning more money. It used to be about fitting in, and following what was expected of me.

Now, security is following my own path, one that is dictated by my inner voice, rather than someone else’s.

The fact that I will be living off money I have saved, rather than earning a steady income bodes well with the fact that my desire for material possessions is slipping away.

Now, I must make mention that if it wasn’t for my job, or my investment in property from a young age, I wouldn’t have the resources to embark on adventure of this type. So whilst I am grateful that I was once ambitious enough to work hard and buy my own place, I don’t want to work and acquire real estate for the rest of my life.

I don’t even want to be wealthy. Sure, if someone wanted to give me a million bucks, I wouldn’t say no, but becoming materially rich is no longer my main ambition in life as it once was.

And I think this is an important point to make, since I have recently had so many people saying to me that they wish they could do what Tyrhone and I are doing.

Single friends attribute my leap of faith as a testament to my relationship with Tyrhone, which is a fair call.

I wonder sometimes if I would be doing something like this without him. I’m not sure what the answer is to that, except that we have developed our dreams together, and encouraged each other to reach higher and further than we ever would have had the courage to do alone.

So yes, my relationship has given me a lot more gumption to make such a big move.

Other people may think we must be extremely wealthy to be able to afford such a lifestyle change, but we are not. We are not in debt either (except the current mortgage of our apartment which is for sale) because we don’t drive flash cars, and we attempt, not always successfully, to keep our spending to a minimum.

Our whole lifestyle is geared to achieving our goal of setting off on our adventure with the least amount of stuff, and the most amount of money. Oh, and the least amount of stress, which means selling our home rather than renting it out.

And yes, I still have days when I think what are we thinking? and am consumed with negativity and fear.

I think sometimes, but our life is pretty good, isn’t it? or, why aren’t I happy with all this, am I just plain ungrateful?, but I always come back to the fact that this is just something we feel drawn to.

Sure, it has required a hell of a lot of hard work combined bucket loads of soul-searching and tough decisions (and we are not even on our way yet), but this is right for us.

Change is tough, especially if it is forced upon you. We have enacted our own change, and sometimes even positive change is hard enough.

I am not immune to the fear-inducing aspects of change, but I have given myself over to the process with the faith that I am being transformed in exactly the way that is right for me.

What started as a seemingly impossible dream that other, more adventurous, more wealthy, more spiritually enlightened people are allowed to have, is coming into fruition, thanks to a little, but very powerful F-word called faith.

Maybe you should give it a go, who knows, it might even work out fine.

 

 

 


Comments

Dealing with the C word — 17 Comments

    • Thank you very much for the encouragement Keith, I can never get enough! And thank you for reading, and taking the time to comment. The thought that something I wrote this morning has been read by someone such as yourself that I have never met, on the other side of the world gives me such a thrill!
      From a very grateful 30 year old :)

  1. This is SO beautiful Sarah, you are such an amazing writer. I have been looking forward to your next post and this is your best yet :) You are so intuitive with your emotions and I agree with everything you said here. I look forward to riding the rollercoaster with you. Thank you x

  2. OMG, is it weird if I say I LOVE YOU. Wow, I just feel like we are having such similar experiences on opposite ends of the globe, I feel BLESSED to read your words and feel as though they are expressing my thoughts. You are a talented and amazing writer, Sarah. Damn!!

    Also, for some reason I’m not getting your blog updates by email anymore??? I’ll sign up again, but I wonder why it stopped?

  3. I love you too Kim!!!!!
    I changed web hosts and lost my subscribers… Glad to have you back. I feel the same way about your blog Kim, and I love that we are on a similar journey. XXX

  4. cheering on you :-) change is scary… but at the same time… inevitable… a bit weird but as i was reading your post, i feel the same thing about the things you mentioned, security, financial concerns, my fear… etc… made me smile though… at the end of the day… FAITH overcomes those fears and worries :-) Go for it Sarah!

    • Thank you Flipnomad!! I heard a great saying the other day, “the only thing we can rely on is change.” I think that’s pretty cool. Thanks for the encouragement, it really is much appreciated :)

    • Thank you, the beauty of blogging is that I felt the same way reading blogs of other long-term travellers before I decided to make the leap! You’ll know when the time is right, and if you don’t…Do it anyway!!!! XXX

  5. sarah – relate SO much to you. so great to hear your inner world. when positive change is going on it’s hard to understand why someone might be feeling that ‘guts in the mouth’ that you describe, but i so understand what you mean. Lots of love and merry christmas , kaz

    • Thank you Kaz!!! It means so much that you are still reading, and I appreciate all your support and encouragement no end. I hope to see you soon, and wish you a very happy, safe and sane Christmas and new year! Lots of Love xxx

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